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is it me, for a moment?
2003-10-24, 2:26 a.m.

I'm sorry if I've upset everyone with my extremely depressing thoughts. I don't think I'd actually kill myself; it's just a thought to entertain. Which sounds weird, but is true. Really, writing the stuff in my lj is to bring it to Sarah's attention. I don't know if she understands just how unhappy I am here. Yes, I have been thinking about suicide. No, I'm not going to kill myself (aside from the obvious reasons, one is that I'm really too much of a coward). I really wish people would pay attention, though. Christie does, but we don't talk about it. We touch on the subject and then it's just too uncomfortable, so one of us changes the topic. Really, that doesn't help the situation... but at this point, I don't know what would.

A few weeks ago, I wrote something in art history, which I haven't even looked at since. But it describes how I've been feeling lately.

I've been thinking about suice a lot. Seriously thinking about suicide. About actually killing myself. Which I haven't seriously considered in years, I haven't tried it in eight. I thought that I had purged myself of these thoughts; these scary feelings. I don't want to kill myself. I think things will get better; they have to, because they can't get much worse. I want to be around to see it get better. But I've been waiting for years, and every good thing just gets more messed up. It's a tease. Sometimes I entertain the thought of ending it all. To feel no pain, to have nothing happen to me ever again, would be so nice. I don't know what's after death, but even if it was Hell that awaited me, at least I would know I was doomed to torture. There would be no false hope that happiness is somewhere down the line. I'm sick of that false hope.

I don't want to kill myself. But sometimes, you just do things you don't want to. I have no idea how or when I'll meet my end.

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