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I'm totally fucked; wish you were here
2003-11-15, 7:16 p.m.

I'm home for the weekend. I just got back from Target.

Yeah, let's just say, I have no idea what's wrong with me.

It's exactly like Ricky. All over again. I don't know. Something's wrong with me.

So, I went to Target after the URI football game and spent hours talking to Hal and Laura (they were working at Food Ave.). And I don't know when it hit me, or even if it hit me while I was at Target or on the drive back, but it did hit, eventually.

Hal is quite possibly the greatest person I know. He's really smart, funny, talented, just all around great. I'm thankful for being able to know him, seriously. But I don't have a crush on him.

It always happens. I find someone who's actually completely compatible with me, so alike me in every way that it's actually disturbing, and we just reach that level of friendship, comfort, that my crush dissolves. I don't even realize it for weeks to come. But that's how it always happens. It happened with Ricky, it has just happened with Hal.

Well, and the fact that he reminds me of Nate at times, which scares me.

I don't know why these things happen. Why does my mind react this way? I have no idea. But now, I'll always look at Hal with a touch of sadness. It's worse than liking him and knowing that I will never have him. That can be accepted. This is really nobody's fault except my own. I can't convince myself to have a crush on someone because it's the best for my sanity (really, it is). That doesn't happen. I still do it with Ricky; I lament the fact that I don't have a crush on him anymore, every time I see him. I think, "How nice it would be if I liked him." But I don't, and I can't tell myself otherwise.

Other than that realization, today was great. I really did enjoy talking to Hal and Laura. They cheered me up (not that I've been depressed lately, but...). I wish I could just bring them around with me always.

And they need to visit me in New York.

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