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i just want to be happy...
2003-10-04, 11:19 a.m.

so i'm home. it took six hours to get here yesterday (instead of the usual three), so in the drive, i had plenty of time to think. well, between my bursts of road rage (i had the worst case of road rage i've ever had, and that's saying a lot... it's bad when you're actually in tears because of the traffic). so i was thinking, and naturally one of the big issues is how i haven't been happy at all lately. the only thing that makes me happy anymore is back home. which is bad, as i'm in new york nine months of the year. i don't know why i'm so depressed, i really have no reason to be, but i am.

so i was thinking, maybe next semestre i should transfer home. commute to umass or bridgewater state. even if it's just for the semestre, to get my life back in order. and it's not just because of my happiness, really (although that's the main factor). i have so much pressure on me because of money as i think i've lost my scholarship, and hofstra is so damn expensive anyway. even if it's just for the semestre, i could (god forbid) work at target and save up money. next year, if i decided to stay at umass, i could get an apartment with amy and her roommate (who is also amy). i already talked this over with amy and nate last night. apparently, amy's family has an apartment that they just rent out, where we could live. so, really, it would be free (except for cable/internet/electricity, etc.). and who doesn't like free?

it just sucks... to do this, to transfer back home, i'd have to say goodbye to life outside of massachusetts. i love new york, but i just can't handle it anymore. and i know sarah and christie would be upset. but... i really think i'd rather be happy than live with sarah and be depressed all the time. if she stops to think about it... i really have not been happy all semestre, and it's really starting to annoy her. so it would be for the best. it's just a sucky thing to do.

i don't know. i'll talk it over with my mum when she gets home from work, and with hal. i know my mum would rather i went to a cheaper school, but she knows how i feel about hofstra... so i want to see how she feels. and hal, well i'm just going to talk it over with him because i talk everything over with him. there's no better reason than that, and i want lots of opinions. i'll probably end up applying and then panicking over making a decision for months to come. so it's good to have other opinions backing up mine.

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