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maybe i'm amazed at the way i really need you
2003-09-19, 12:20 p.m.

i have to leave for class in a few minutes... but right now it's time to write down yet more thoughts i had in religions.

last night's conversation was insanely relieving. if i hadn't had that talk with hal, it would have slowly but eventually eaten away at our friendship and destroyed it. instead, i talked to him and it made our friendship even stronger. i know that he cares about me, he does love me. he won't abandon me. that is a comfort that i didn't even dare to ask for. when he said he loved me no matter what, that surprised me so much. i wasn't going to ask for any proclamation of faith; i didn't expect him to say it. i started crying; a whole build-up of emotions from the last few days finally released in joyful tears. i never had any idea that such happiness could come from being honest about my feelings. yet, i still doubt that i could have had the same reaction with other people. quite possibly, i've been going after the wrong guys.

i finally find someone who's completely honest and caring, and i can't have him. it's bittersweet, but i'm already starting to not taste the bitterness.

entries are going to become public again, i think... but i'm going to keep the other ones private. because i'm lazy, mostly.

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