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the four kings of emi sitting stately on the floor
2003-09-14, 4:30 p.m.

okay, as it's been forever and a day since i updated this... here goes.

i'm back at hofstra. it took some getting used to (especially as they shut off our internet, fucked up my computer, and further destroyed any happiness in my life) but i think i'm back in the groove now.

of course, "in the groove" means *my* usual groove, which means my manic-depressiveness back in full swing. now that i'm always with christie and sarah (even more than last year, as now i live with sarah and christie's here every night), they see this a lot more. last year they saw it a few times, i'd just stop talking and zone out and ignore the world (my friend micci called this "playing possum" in sixth grade). but they just passed it off. this year it's more difficult, for all of us. we'll be out and i'll just suddenly get depressed over something (and usually it's the stupidest little thing, too), and i'll just tell them "i don't feel well" (which, really, isn't a lie) and we'll go back to the dorm. but then i feel bad about ruining their plans. but it's just too hard for me.

and then there was the issue with the tv this week, which i thought was going to ruin everything. it's stupid to fight over a tv, right? i agree. but it bothered me anyway. christie and i went out and got movies and ice cream for the three of us, because sarah wasn't answering her phone so we couldn't check our plans with hers. we got back to the dorm and met up with her and amy in the parking lot. we said we got movies, and they were like, "for tonight? real world's on tonight!" okay, whatever, watch real world because i did forget sarah wanted to watch it. but then they kept it on mtv and its crap shows (newlyweds and that stupid choreographer show). even if we hadn't brought movies, i had already told sarah the night before that i wanted to watch the second half of queer eye after real world (and she had agreed). but they kept it on mtv, engrossed in the stupid worthless shows they have on. so i disappeared up to the thirteenth floor and would have liked to be left alone. but christie came up and i talked to her, and eventually went back down to the room. while i was gone, sarah read one of my away messages (it said "fuck mtv and fuck you!") but didn't say anything to me, only showed christie (while i was there and knew she was showing her... way to be fucking secretive). then later i brought christie home, came back, and we went to bed. the next day sarah didn't say a word to me, and left for class without me (we always walk together). then when i came back, she had gone to visit christie at work... where they talked about me, and christie told her everything i told her the night before (um, there's a thing called a "confidant"). when sarah came back to the dorm, she asked me, "are you ever going to talk to me again?" and i said i wasn't not talking to her, she wasn't talking to me. i know, childish, but it was the truth.

anyway, the whole thing wasn't even over mtv. it was just the fact that sarah always has the tv on, either mtv or lifetime. and i really feel like i can never watch anything i want to watch (which, given me and my great affinity for not watching tv, isn't a lot). so instead of solving this, we just never watch tv anymore. which really makes both of us worse, really. so i don't think this is going to be solved. maybe next semestre i should just transfer to umass and commute. that would solve so many problems (the least being money). i might have to anyway.

fuck. now that i've written all this out, i'm definitely even more depressed.

but one thing is still good: even though i'm now 200 miles away from him, he's still as sweet as ever. and taken from a conversation i had with him last night (while i was completely drunk, mind you), i think we should have sex to the mars volta.

yet i'm a complete idiot when i talk to him. what do you say when someone says "much love to you"? yeah, i said "thanks." complete. utter. moron. and that was the night before, when i was sober!

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